What happens next?


it was yesterday
(no it wasn’t
but it felt like it)
when you told me
“i can’t picture myself in the future
with anybody else but you”

and that made my heart stop
because i could see myself in the future
with a hundred different people
and a hundred different outcomes
but i couldn’t see you

that hurt me bad
the same way you would’ve hurt yourself if i would’ve said what i said here
my future is clear
but my conscience isn’t
what i said
is not what i meant

i remember when you said
(you didn’t say this
because you can’t)
“my love is an ocean
bountiful in bloom as can be”
i would have told you to stop it
it was too sappy to be sweet
and you would’ve laughed
and i’d have laughed
but that wouldn’t be me

how many times haven’t i been able to tread waters
when i’m in too deep
and it pulls me even further
and then i can’t breathe
and it holds me even tighter
and i can feel my head
get lighter
and lighter

i couldn’t write poetry
because with every line i was choking
suffocating to myself
until the stanza derailed
and i could breathe again

it takes me back to then
(back then, yesterday
where i would have…

…you know?)
with your temple pressed against my chest
and my heart beating two times too fast
when i wanted to say something
but then you said it for me

“i can’t picture myself in the future
with anybody else but you”
(that you said
this next part isn’t me)
“otherwise i’d be dead”
and you would’ve laughed
and i’d have laughed
but that wasn’t you
and that wasn’t true

that’s yesterday in my head
today i’m looking at you
wide-eyed and splendid, with an entire life ahead
(me too)
that i can’t picture
spending with (anybody else but) you

because when i looked at you back then
i knew i’d already killed you
truth was the final blow
(that i know)
and so
i lied
and we’re alive

you’ll be on your own again
looking for love again
and i’ll be on my own
with a future ahead
we leave behind
free to unwind
free to live
on another road

JD- What Happens Next is about not knowing what to do when you haven’t chosen someone else but they’ve chosen you.

© JD Jurado 2019

#poem #poetry #art #creativewriting #stories # Mondayblues

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