From Grim to Dire, a Testimonial for Being-to-be
I’ve been struggling.
Today I feel good (above average and not just “okay”, but able besides (and, I’m sure it goes without saying, but if you are to skim this, you’ll quickly realize that I meant “Today” as in the first day I started to draft this post)) and willing to be active, and to put myself forward without straining myself in the process.
My thoughts have been all over the place recently. I used to write letters to myself to get a foothold of what exactly I believed was the root, or “essence”, of the problems I had been dealing with during any given moment in time. I don’t remember what the last letter I wrote to myself was about. It was a long time ago. Regardless, it has always been therapeutic to put problems into words, and to put those words into writing.
I talk to myself sometimes. It’s usually because I’m being very negative or too hard on myself. It is difficult to validate to my own feelings sometimes, but it is even MORE difficult to invalidate them.
Yes, sometimes I have to be tough on myself – but it’s not me invalidating myself for no reason. When I say “invalidate” my own feelings, I refer specifically to those pesky, persistent negative thoughts that I can’t put aside. Recurring bad thoughts become problematic, and so I will ask myself, “Why do you feel this way?” (You as in I, myself) and I will answer, truthfully, because the dialogue is between myself and I.
So, conversations will typically play out like this:
“I am a burden,”
“I am lazy, most of what I have is unearned, and I rely too heavily on the support of others,”
“Okay. But that doesn’t mean you’re a burden. You only feel as though you’re a burden. Let me ask, why do you feel that you’re lazy?”
“I am tired almost all of the time, and even when I am not tired, I lack the energy to finish everything I would like to get done.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re lazy. You should rest when you have the chance. Go to sleep early tonight. Make a list of what you have to get done tomorrow. Let me ask, why do you feel that most of what you have is unearned?”
And so, and so forth.
Eventually, the conversation resolves itself – stress is manageable because I can talk it away. I have a very good relationship with myself and I am happy that I am not as enclosed and reclusive as I once was.
Yet, there are setbacks. I am much less enclosed now, yes. I am much less reclusive now, yes, but I’ve been isolating myself lately (A/N: This section was written sometime in mid-February, 2020). I’ve been isolating myself because I’ve been struggling and there are many things I would rather not share with everyone because, to quote Kylo Ren, “I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it”.
Speaking of Star Wars, have you (whoever might be reading this right now) seen Episode IX yet? The Rise of Skywalker? Can we talk about that ending? [SPOILERS FOR STAR WARS EPISODE IX INCOMING] Specifically, can we talk about that kiss between Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley in the last ten minutes of the film? Like, why was that there? Not only does it canonize Reylo and effectively retcon the last two or so movies (adding this strange rival-frenemy tension that really wouldn’t have been there otherwise) but it does so with one of the laziest redemption arcs in a series full of lazy redemption arcs (I typed this out last night but I realize now I was only referring to Darth Vader’s betrayal of Emperor Palpatine at the end of Return of the Jedi, but honestly? It’s still a pretty lazy redemption). It doesn’t make a lick of sense! The First Order annihilated five entire planets, their populations included!! You can’t just redeem yourself by doing a heel-face turn last minute (although I admit that this is what Darth Vader does in Episode VI, George Lucas doesn’t pretend Luke and Vader have this implied sexual tension between them in the last two movies just because they were mortal enemies! (I will also admit that, likely, neither characters are into incest, and Luke probably doesn’t have a thing for dudes with twenty-or-so-years-of-age-difference – but okay, imagine if Darth Vader was actually a genetically-unrelated Sith lady who also happened to be extremely easy on the eyes, too – imagine if Luke unmasks Vader and he meets this drop-dead gorgeous, now-morally-ambiguous femme fatale who has just betrayed her master to save him. Would Luke pretend the last two movies didn’t happen, or that Vader didn’t destroy an entire planet plus its population, or killed his mentor in cold blood, either? Would he go in for the kiss? Food for thought)).
A TABLE OF CONTENTS:
1. Idiosyncratic Informalities (3)
2. The Cake is Implied (5)
3. Who Do You Think You Are, I Am!! (11)
4. It’s Who You Know (20)
5. The Long Way Down (21)
6. The Titanic Shadow of Charles Bukowski (25)
7. I Want Me, More Like Me (27)
8. The World is Turned Upside Down, and Now We’re Waiting for the Sun (31)
9. New Horizons (35)
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